The negative traps our thinking can fall into that ruin our wellbeing
Adapted from: Ditch your Midlife Stress from the Inside Out , Dawn Robinson
It can be so tempting to look to the external world for our wellbeing, to convince ourselves that if only our relationships were stronger,our financial situation brighter or that difficult situation fixed, all would be well. But when times get tough and our wellness seems shaky the first place we need to look is within our own minds. It’s here that we can unwittingly lay the traps that keep us locked in negativity and stress.
In this post, I’ll outline some of the ways in which our very thinking can limit us. And the good news is that there is very little we need to do because once we start to see these patterns of thought for ourselves. their hold over us is broken.
1.Overthinking
I often think of the mind as being like a fairground. When it’s stressed and our thoughts are flying around, we’re taken spinning on a giant, frantic rollercoaster. There’s no space for silence, reflection or contemplation as thoughts dip and dive, weave backwards and forwards, jolting us up to the heavens and back down earthwards at a frantic, whirling pace.
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Being strapped into this heart-stopping ride is how we feel when we’re trying to focus and analyse when under pressure and stressed – a hundred thoughts and questions rushing around in our head, but no space or ability to think clearly. We may find it exciting living at this mental speed or wish for something more peaceful. But ultimately this intensity can’t be maintained indefinitely and sooner or later we’re going to come crashing to a standstill.
Contrast this with the sedate elegance of the old fashioned carousel. Elegant, coloured horses carry their rider on a slow, gentle gallop around and around, up and down. There’s plenty of time to admire the view, take in the experience, look ahead, turn our head and notice what’s behind us. This is like the mind when thought is slower and calmer. We’re able to take in so much more of life and there’s far more capacity to notice what’s important.
A slower, calmer more peaceful state of mind is what many of us are hoping to find and why we enjoy activities that capture our attention and require our focus like climbing or dancing or even more sedentary activities like painting or knitting. We instinctively know how pleasurable it feels for the mind to slow down to this pace and that’s why we turn to techniques such as meditation or deep breathing to deliberately encourage this even though they’re not necessary to achieve this state.
Unfortunately, when life feels busy and far from gentle and simple, I can guarantee we’re caught up in the overthinking mind rather than the chilled-out version as I discovered from my own experience. Whenever I was going through money worries, it was those fast, incessant thoughts that made me feel as if I was living in a whirlwind.
“How are we going to cope?”
“What if my husband doesn’t ever get another job?”
“What if he gets ill?”
“What sort of work could I do that would pay enough?”
“Can we pay the electricity bill?”
“What other bills might be coming soon?”
And on and on and on.
So what was going on inside my head?
In this state, my thinking would flit very quickly from one concern to the next. I was overthinking and analysing problems and issues that hadn’t occurred and might never come our way. I was making up information and problems and trying to make decisions and choices that didn’t need to be made at that time when there was still as yet, no choice to be made.
Is it any wonder we get led down this garden path in our head?
Whilst the threat to our wellbeing may come from these premature decisions, in reality, much of it comes from busy, fast thoughts, from overthinking and it’s impossible to think clearly when our mind is on overdrive.
2.Diva thinking
Another way our thoughts can slide into a trap is by falling into what I call diva thinking. You know the sort – making mountains out of the smallest problems, demanding our attention and throwing thought-tantrums by over-playing the importance and significance of problems that are sure to last forever. We anticipate doom, gloom and total destruction at every corner.
“I’m going to make this the worst mess ever.”
“Everything always goes wrong for me.”
In his book, Learned Optimism, Martin Seligman talks about a couple of types of thinking which he calls permanence and pervasiveness that are the foundation of this kind of diva thinking.
3. Permanence thinking
Our thinking predicts the bad times are going to persist; the events and situations that cause us problems are going to stay with us indefinitely. “Always” and “never” are keywords. So when we are stuck in this sort of diva thinking we will have thoughts like;
“I’m always going to struggle with this.”
“Things never work out for me.”
“I’ll never have any money.”
4. Pervasiveness thinking
In this type of thinking, we apply our conclusions from specific circumstances, turn them into generalisations and make huge assumptions about vast swathes of our life. For example, having difficulties learning how to turn out the perfect soufflé turns into a full-scale rant about how utterly useless we are at everything.
Or struggling to make conversation with one group of people, on one specific afternoon becomes “Why am I so bad at making new friends?” completely discounting a lovely chat the previous week with a new neighbour who has just moved into the street. Of course, these generalisations are never going to be completely accurate. Even someone who feels they fail at so much in their life will have been a success somewhere. For even the most accident-prone person there will have been luck at some time down the line.
Increasing our awareness of overthinking and diva thoughts
Both overthinking and diva thoughts can be addictive - our minds love the drama and excitement of chaos, speed and life’s ups and downs. But as with all stimulants as we become more aware of the impact they have, the more sensitive to them we become and ultimately, the more intolerant.
Now when I hear any of these types of thought in my head, over time I’ve developed an inner warning system, a wry internal chuckle, an “Oops! There I go again.” thought that has become increasingly aware of overthinking and diva thoughts.
In no way is this internal mechanism perfect. Of course, like everyone else, there are times when my thoughts come from a mood so low that they come in fast and furiously and I remain oblivious to their true nature as “just thoughts”. I can find that I’m swamped by them. But on the whole, the warning system works.
This doesn’t mean to say that we need to “do” anything. I am not going to suggest a specific technique to alter these types of thoughts and you won’t need to try and change them – simplicity is the key here. As you will see more and more throughout this book, the very act of “noticing” is all that’s required. To be aware of them is all that you need to “do”.
It’s a bit like becoming incredibly angry and frustrated when we have to pay huge sums of money in rent and worry how we’re going to afford it, only to suddenly recall that we are playing a game of monopoly. We are dealing with pretend money and a few rolls of the dice and someone is probably going to land on our rather plush hotel in Park Lane. We don’t have to do anything to go from lost in the game to remembering - that awareness is enough to change our perspective and it’s exactly the same process with our thoughts.
Adapted from: Ditch your Midlife Stress from the Inside Out , Dawn Robinson
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